My Blog
Chaos on the Horizon!
01/25/2023 05:04pm
Hey you guys 💕 I’m having to dig in as I don’t have a day off until the 4th.
I’m struggling with some serious bittersweetness. On one hand I’m madly in love with Reno, but on the other, it’s difficult because I make money shooting with others. Queue the possessiveness (it’s mutual). It’s so cliche but we are only human and emotions aren’t logical.If I had my choice we would be exclusive. I honestly didn’t think I had a monogamous bone in my body until we started dating.
My career is peaking again and what I do now carries me through retirement. I’m a “working class performer”. While I build my side hustles up again after taking a 4 year hiatus, shooting with other people is how I pay my rent. I’m establishing my website so this can continue being lucrative past my retirement.
Ive not built the metaphorical house my life resides in to be monogamous
For many this is an over share as an outsider peering into the industry lacks the nuance and complexity. Many would triumph that they’d be all in, but in reality it’s not that easy, even for the most stoic. Please spare me.
Logically monogamy doesn’t just happen in my line of work (not without some serious damage in the process and I have to be financially driven).
Despite all of the puzzle pieces (feature dancing, camming, etc) I’ve been laying down to lead us there, it might just be too little too late.
Actively choosing to be led by my mind and not my heart hurts to say the very least. I wish he could compartmentalize my work being separate. I can only control me 🤷‍♀️. TBD
The mere idea of “not sharing” rubs me wrong but also speaks to my upbringing. (We often are dictated by our social programming.)
Reno and I wouldn’t have met each other had it not been for porn, but it may very well be the thing that keeps us separate as this is my career and this is what pays my bills, and yes, I enjoy most of it.
Tomorrow’s release means a lot to me. It may very well be the peak of our relationship.
I have no idea what lies ahead (do we ever really?). Please excuse me as I bury myself in my work while this all processes đź’•
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Comments
I know you have zero idea who I am, and I don't know you either. I can tell you this much. I'm 53 years old, I've been around the world a few times, and I've experienced more than the average person. You seem like an intelligent, determined woman with a heart and compassion. You will find your way. Trust your instincts, choose your path and let the road take you. You never know what the future holds or how minds change. I wish you the best in all of your endeavors and will support your craft as long as I am capable. Be well.
I appreciate your thoughtful response and the support that you have been showing me on my website and via my social media presence <3 It doesn't go unnoticed.